Good news America

According to the (oh so very) late Osama bin Laden Vice-President Joe Biden was not important enough to attempt to assassinate.

Just classic.

...but that can be said with most every vice-president, I reckon.

"Once there were two brothers: one ran away to sea, the other was elected Vice-President - and nothing was ever heard from either of them again."
-Thomas Marshall
United States Vice-President 1913-1921

I believe this video summarizes everything you need to know about Joe Biden and his 36-year tenure in the United States Senate.

Texas hates the lonely

A challenge to the TSA and the fourth amendment. I definitely see federal law superseding this course of action, but how does one enforce? Arrest TSA agents violating the violating violation?

I also find it comical that "anus" was listed before any of the other body parts listed. At first I thought it may be listen in alphabetical order, but I have a feeling that its author, Rep. David Simpson (R-Longview), may have wanted to prioritize due to one or more personal, traumatic episodes.

I've been single for almost a half-year now, and I know that I am severely disappointed in Texas' decision to take my right to be felt down away.

Foreigners have double vision

According to a Bloomberg poll of top investors, foreign investors believe Obama to be tougher on terrorism than Bush had been.

I am incredulous.

Remember the next time you hear or read about world leaders and investors talking down to the United States, gaze upon the incredible numbers
on who they think is tougher on terror.

President Obama RAN on running from the fight. It wasn’t until he had his president shoes on that he realized why the EVIL GOP machine operated in the manner that it did (See Guantanamo Bay, PATRIOT Act, etc.). President Bush never let another foreign attack come to U.S. soil from September 11th, which I know he is more proud of (per his memoirs) than anything else in his presidency.

Listening to the nuts on the far left has been comical. I believe it has been helpful in dragging the milquetoast-Hollywood types from the fringe left to the Obama left which has been greatly adjusted and realigned. His pragmatic moves can be lauded by those who idealize the idea of American compromise, and detested by purists who don’t actually participate (or get stuff moving) in politics.

When I say President Obama is pragmatic, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t know how to invoke the knee-jerk, Epicurean, groundswell of emotional “feeling” that the bleeding hearts will beckon like a cobra’s hood. Remember, Obama is not a war president. He doesn’t want to be remembered as a war president. So let us not let him be remembered as one.

The good news is, of the U.S. investors polled, they knew that Bush was tougher on terror than Obama by more than 2-to-1.


My democracy is better than yours

Let me define for you the arrogance of the United States in the two-thousand and eleventh year of our Christian God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit-

We want to impose OUR system of democracy on the very receptive nation of Libya.

We don't want them to have freedom. Their culture is malleable and is weak compared to the United States

We don't want them to decide as a people what is best for them. Clearly, they cannot protect themselves. The red, white, and blue savior will show them the path to righteousness

We want them to have Western-style democracy. They are not western.

What we should be pushing for is freedom. Freedom is the wind that pushes a people to do what is best for them. The cries of Libyan rebels was not to demand democracy, but to aid in their FREEDOM!

We must protect them from falling prey to the ideas of far-worse oppression who has been waiting in the wings and chomping at the bit as their window of opportunity closes rather quickly. IF the United States it to be in Libya, our goals have been poorly outlined.

While my own points have been poorly outlined and non-definitive, I just want to make it a point that these actions have safely secured President Obama as the next former President of the United States on January 20, 2013.

Read my lips: no new taxes
Read my lips: no more war

John Boehner should be crying because of how congress was bypassed for the 162 tomahawk missles sent into the country with the most boring flag.


Earl Grey Tea Party

This is not a funny post, click somewhere else now. Wanna laugh? How about here-


Ok, the political movement know as the tea party has become too big to ignore.

When I enter a conversation about politics with any of my friends (Politically savvy or not), over the past several months their initial question has repeatedly been "So, what do you think about the Tea Party [movement]?". I typically respond with "eh, I don't know"

Typically I'm greeted with a stunning reaction "... really? I thought you'd be on board with that?"

Yes, that's me- ready to jump on the next wave of what's popular. Even if the movement smacks of dissent, It's become too clear that it's cool to be part of the tea party this side of the Mason-Dixon line.

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm in LOVE with the idea. But like most things, people with their own agendas destroy the spirit of the idea (see Catholicism, Stalin, and Teamsters).

After speaking with a teacher of whom I think the world, he described the Tea Party in a way that I implore others to follow.

Where does the Tea Party stand on abortion? They don't
Where does the Tea Party stand on gay marriage? They don't
War on Terror? nope
War on children under 5? uh-uh

The only thing the Tea Party wants is the government to slow down it's accumulation of power.

The United States Federal Government is the largest land-owner, stock-owner, lender, borrower, employer, and highest-paid employee per capita in the Land of the Free.

The only thing the Tea party should be focused on is the lessening, and in some cases- rescinding the stranglehold that the Feds have on controlling prices.

That's it

Nothing more

... and to think- If the Democrats would've just worked with establishment Republicans and compromised in just a few ways, this movement would have NO clout.

We need smart, small government.

It's unfortunate that there have been no voices loud and lucid enough to break the static. (If I had money, I would, but instead I post this crap with no form of action)


What's the deal with Jerry Seinfeld

...more like Jerry Whine-n-fail, am I right?

Jerry Seinfeld is not funny. If you think he is funny, I don't know what to say to you. I don't know what to do to you. If you like Jerry Seinfeld, I think I have developed a demerit system in which I can rightly punish your insolence. Porn has better plots than his show.

in the spirit of fairness, I decided to google "funny Jerry Seinfeld quotes". After my Dell crashed 4 times later, I opened a fanpage to the 30 greatest Jerry Seinfeld quotes. Here is a random samping of his "greatest"-

"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom."


"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."

Psychologists- prepare a new thesis

" I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people... they're stickin' with the chopsticks"

poetry in motion

Jerry Seinfeld is one of the reasons that the Taliban hate America. If you like Jerry Seinfeld, it is very unpatriotic of you.

How was this brought to the forefront of my mind? I work as a meat clerk at Kroger and they run a "laugh track" in between the music. I cringe every time I hear his voice. Then, after the clip is done playing an ominous voice says "keep laughing" trying to encourage customers to be in a good mood while they destroy their bank accounts by not going to Aldi. That kind of subliminal messaging would DRIVE me out of the store threatening to kill all in a blaze of glory.

Once again, Jerry Seinfeld, unpatriotic and murderous.

Oh, my demerit system, I think this may be an effective way to "cleanse" the losers out of your group of friends.
Parents demoted to "guardians"
Brothers and sisters demoted to step-siblings
step-siblings demoted to New Yorkers
spouses demoted to "companion-in-law"
Grandparents demoted to Aunts and Uncles
Aunts and Uncles demoted to the strangers.
Strangers demoted to "in-laws"
and "in-laws" demoted to the cast of Jerry Seinfeld
...and if I dated you, and didn't know you liked Seinfeld, I regret you.

I think I would cry if I ever discovered that my life-long best friend, @Jake Everett, were a Seinfeld fan. I think probation wold be the only remedy. He would be moved to stranger if I found that he owned a John Mayer shirt.

Anyway, there you have it folks. Jerry Seinfeld is unpatriotic, murderous, and supports abortion in the third trimester.

Nancy Pelosi likes Seinfeld.


Y'all is magnanimous

I consider myself a smart guy, and if you are a smart person, you should too.

However, one thing that the nation can't seem to get over is the perceived dumbness of the southern accent/drawl.

It is intensely frustrating when I hear stories from my friend, Leslie who graduated from TCU in the top of her class in BOTH her majors in Business (Supply Chain and Entrepreneurial Management something-rather), and her co-workers in California feeling that because she says "y'all", she must be inbred.

Firstly, "y'all" is the most genius, most innovative word to come around until truthiness by Stephen Colbert was created. It's a contraction of "you" and "all". If you put the apostrophe after the "a", you're not helping our cause...

... also, if you don't know what an apostrophe is, please don't say you're from Texas- go with Ohio.

other cultures use "you's guys"... WTF IS THAT!? Yankee scum use it all the time. you-is-guys? People always want to beat up on the South for not being progressive, yet this phrase is clearly male-focused. It is essentially calling a girl "dude". It still works, but there's something not quite right about it.

you all... if you really want to speak correctly, this is the way to go, but that's my point- "y'all" is innovative.

What sparked this was this morning, while working, I was approached by a woman with a heavy New York accent. She sounded like Linda Richman (cwofee twallk). Her child had these big, beautiful, glossy brown eyes that had clearly just been done crying. I offered him a sticker from my pricing gun and proceeded to say " you're a docile little fellow aren't you? I'm just incredulous at how calm he is right now, how did you do that?"

As soon as I had said docile, it seemed that someone had jabbed her in the face, then when I used the grand word incredulous, it was as if Ali threw the knockout punch. It was pitiful.

If you've heard me speak, I use a bunch of SAT words because I was raised on them with a mother as an English teacher. I speak like that all the time. I don't do it to impress.

So, as she seemed to be caught off guard, I realized at that time, she had never heard such multisyllabic words exude from such a imprudent and amiable employee. (HA)

So, to stop this stereotyping, I believe we must all work as a team.

Everyone from this area must talk with as harsh a southern accent as you can while using multisyllabic or descriptive words as each person can possibly muster.

Also, that means if you're dumb or have a limited vocabulary, please shhh.